Future tense

Photo by Arthur Ogleznev on Unsplash...

On April 1, my Substack will turn two years old. I honestly don’t know how I feel about that. I feel like I have done some of the things I’ve set out to do. I’ve been more authentic and honest about my life. I’ve had fun writing about music and other pop culture things. But not once has it felt effortless. Even things I’ve been excited to write about have either been a bit of a slog or have never seen the light of day. I sometimes wonder if I still have it in me to write long form stuff. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.

I know my writing is not bad, but I also know it’s nothing special. There a thousand people with a Substack and sometimes I feel like I’m crying into a maelstrom of other voices and mine is all but drowned out. I don’t care about the number of followers or subscribers I have - although I am thankful to each and every one of you, it’s just the numbers I don’t care about. But sometimes I feel like I have nothing to add to the sea of ideas that exists on the internet. And it’s then I feel like quitting for good.

Maybe I’ve doomscrolled too much this morning, but I’m in a very “what’s it all for?” mood this morning. My daughter sent me a link to a new album by Em Beihold, she of “Numb Little Bug” fame, and it was so cute and fun that it momentarily knocked me out of my funk. I looked at her website to see if she was touring and of course, she’s coming to Minneapolis at a venue I’ve been to before. And I thought about it for a moment. I even texted my daughter at work about it, but she’s even older than me in a way and doesn’t like GA shows (which this, naturally, is) and the more I thought about standing in line for a GA show and traveling and getting a hotel and all the expenses that go along with it, not to mention who knows how much gas will be by early June, I just dismissed it out of hand. And then I went to see if there was a vinyl of her new album which there was but it was sold out. I checked on Amazon and it’s there but it’s Amazon and it’s also $35 and the album is only 29 minutes so I also just dismissed that as well. So yeah, I’ve been in a mood this morning I guess. Maybe not the best time to be writing on Substack but this is what you get sometimes.

I’m feeling very scared about what’s going on in the Middle East even though I’m trying to keep it together. Mostly I just distract myself. Try not to pay attention to the news that gets worse every single day. I remind myself that I don’t need to pay attention all the time, that if something truly worthy of my time and attention happens, I will for sure know about it. My father always says that we are just “along for the ride” during times like these although that is sometimes of little comfort. He is also fond of saying that we have to “live in the time we are born” which I think I have thought about every single day for the last 10 years. I’m trying to live. I don’t feel like I’m succeeding very well these days.

I’m not depressed per se, but I think I am just overwhelmed like everyone else and it’s finally getting to me. I have no idea what the future holds (nor does anyone else) and I feel very much like a victim of fate and I really really hate that. And in the face of that and everything that’s happening, what is the best use of my time? How do I best live what’s left of my life? I tell you, doing the math between 53 and the lifespan of the average American male is not fun math to do. I remember being younger and thinking there was so much time. There was no limit to what I could do. But now, in my 50s, I find myself having to make choices. I’m not complaining about this, but it is a little bit jarring. There are definitely things in my life I will not do. And while some days that is just annoying, there are days (like today) where it is soul crushing.

I don’t know the answer. I guess I’ll just keep going to therapy and writing here, even though the temptation to quit both is sometimes very strong. But I know both are good for me and that thinking otherwise is just being self-defeating and giving up to the things that have happened and are happening.

One thing I have to say - and many others have said it too - I can’t believe that Donald Trump has stolen an entire decade from all of us. We will never get that decade back. But I will be goddamned if I let him steal another second of my life from me. Which is why I am trying not to be on social media as much and have watched so many movies this year. Getting off my phone is still a goal I have yet to really achieve, but I’m getting there.

Thank you for listening. And may everyone reading this be well.