Writing paralysis
As you can tell, I’m still basically unable to write and it’s really getting to me. I don’t wan this endeavor to be just another in a long line of failed writing projects. So here I am today trying to get something out of my brain and onto the virtual page. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to write about - I honestly can think of several prompts that would be good - it’s just that I am lacking the drive to do much of anything these days, least of all writing. Mostly I am just stuck sitting in my office chair, scrolling my phone, listening to music which isn’t very conducive to productivity or mental health, to be quite honest (ok the music part is essential to my mental health but the scrolling not so much.)
I still think that the biggest part of my writing paralysis is I’m still not sure what I want this space to be. Should it be something that is about my path as a late blooming gay man and all the difficult emotions that go along with that? Or should it just be light and fluffy, a place where I talk about my current musical obsessions or the latest concert I went to? Perhaps it can be both? I thought it could be when I started writing in this space, but every time I try to write about anything too personal I clam up because I’m afraid of exposing a part of me that is too embarrassing or shameful. Remember what I said about journaling and blogging? Sometimes I’m not convinced that there’s that much of a difference.
I feel like if I say all the things I’m feeling I will alienate people and then I will end up alone. It’s probably one of my biggest fears, and the thing that has driven a lifetime of people pleasing that I’m trying to break free of. Turns out, 40+ year old habits die incredibly hard. I say that one of the gifts of my 50s has been to not care about what other people think anymore but most of the time I’m not sure I believe that. I’m reminded of Madonna in Truth or Dare when she says something like “even though it shouldn’t matter what other people think, it does.”
I know I don’t have many readers, and that’s ok, but for those of you who do read, please let me know the direction you’d be interested in me taking this blog. You can take the survey below. If you could take time to fill it out, I would greatly appreciate it. Maybe it will help get me out of my writing funk. In the meantime, I’ll make a list of things I think I want to write about and see if I can crank out a few posts this week
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